rend my heart

there are times when i, like everyone else. feel the pain of life. i know it is something that all of us feel and go through in different circumstances and moments. my desire is to take these times to the Lord. i have two temptations that i face that seem at times more appealing than bringing my pain to the Lord.

the first temptation is to try to just be positive. i am not saying that it is bad to try to be optimistic and look for whatever good may be in a circumstance - believe me that this is something i both believe is beneficial and seem to always be trying to do. however, i think it is second best to really dealing with why my heart is hurting and looking to Him to be the Healer of my heart. finding something positive makes me feel momentarily better and gets me focused to keep on going, but it doesn't really ever make the heart problem go away but just masks the pain. what can really take the pain and bring healing to my heart for a permanent fix and true joy other than the One who created me and my emotions and knows me better than any person could ever know me?

the second temptation is to talk to a person about the hurt i am feeling. i am not talking about gossip or slander right now, though i do believe a lot of that is done in the name of venting or sharing with other, but i am talking about just the simple verbal processing. this one is a huge struggle for me because talking it through with another person takes enough of the weight of it off of my shoulders that i often will stop right there at fixing the problem. i am not saying that we shouldn't get counsel from others, but i do think that if we talk to God about what is going on before turning to our best friend, mom, husband, or whomever to talk it through, we find so much more deep healing and breakthrough. after really pouring the pain and tears and questions before the Lord, much like king david would in the psalms, then talking with another person second may even bear more fruit of healing on that level.

this is something i desire: to turn to the Lord first every time. i want to rend my heart before Him. i want to take my alabaster bottle and break it over Him. i don't want to hold anything back, but bring all of me... to bring the broken places and the places i long to be whole in. it blows my mind to think that Jesus, being fully the uncreated God became fully man as well which means that he experienced the array of emotions, heartache and joy, that i do. He is so compassionate towards me and doesn't despise my tears but psalms 56 says that He keeps every one in a bottle and considers them precious. wow! why do i struggle with going to Him first when this is the very thing He wants? He longs to be tender toward me and really bring healing and joy unspeakable to my heart.

so i chose now, and hope to again tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that, until it becomes natural and not a struggle because i am well acquainted with His great love for me.

charis