photo by epSos.de
i am incredibly thankful right now. i am 11.5 weeks pregnant with my #5 kiddo, and i am doing so much better than i could have ever imagined. i know that may not strike some people as incredible, but it is so beyond what i could ever even believe the Lord for... for me.
i know there are some out there that believe in supernatural childbirth and supernatural pregnancy, but i have never had one of those. i have had such a rough experience in real pain and hard times overall in the whole process of growing and birthing a child, that it is huge for me to try to muzzle my mouth to not complain and strengthen offense that tries to reside hidden in my heart. keep the mouth shut.
i know i am on a different page that many on this issue, but i don't actually believe the curse from genesis has been reversed. i am sure that people get a down payment taste of what it will be like, but the curse is a very real thing and when it is actually fully canceled, no woman will have to muster up all the faith she can to "believe" for a painless childbirth and child-rearing. when the curse is reversed, man will no longer toil with the ground and have it bear thorns. my backyard garden is plain testimony that the curse is still in full swing. when the curse is reversed, there will be no more death.
death was the curse put on man when he rebelled. but He promised a day was coming when there would be...
no.
more.
death.
not by naming and claiming it. no. we will live forever and all the pain and suffering and fruitless labor of this life will finally be behind us.
and the little taste that i have right now of a pregnancy without vomiting really does put my hope in the resurrection to come - the time when He will literally raise up my body and i will be able to do all the things i have longed to do without the limitations i have faced all my life. it is exciting to have a small taste and think... wow, and it is going to be so much better than this!
it makes me long for the day when we will really live, not in shadow but in full light. it makes me long to be reunited with those who have gone ahead and see those who ended so broken in bodies that are finally whole and see them skip and jump and dance and laugh, taking full deep breaths and know that we will never have the pain of parting again. i wonder where we will explore first. there are so many places on this earth that i am sure i will not have the time to see and so many i would love to see again, and He is going to make the earth new and more beautiful than the most beautiful places i have seen right now. that is unimaginable.
it makes me long to see my Savior face to face and finally really know Him the way i have longed to know Him. i am so broken right now and there are so many times when i long to press into Him, but my weakness and my inability to do the things i so long to do cause me to fail at the one thing i want most. this hope of finally seeing Him on His day motivates me to press on rather than wallow in days past that may not have gone as i would have liked.
knowing i am broken is not supposed to bring me shame. really that is just pride masking itself because it is somehow thinking i can do it on my own. knowing i am broken is to cause me to lean on the only One who can give me the grace to overcome.
He is so good to me.
334 - 346:
334. a helpful husband who has been bearing the brunt of the load of the house for the past decent amount of time while i have had so little energy being pregnant. a gem of a man.
335. the Lord bringing needed provision... yet again.
336. my 4 boys who are growing up way too fast... time is flying by and i hope i am staying present enough to enjoy the time i have right now.
337. a heart for the sweet baby we have been praying for.
338. the grace and energy to run errands today that needed to get done.
339. the accomplishment on my 2 oldest boys' faces when they placed in their school's jog-a-thon - hard work and perseverance.
340. sleep when i am so tired.
341. reminders to focus my life on the things that really matter.
342. reading with Christ in the school of prayer by andrew murray and getting a fresh revelation on the mystery of the almighty God of the universe who calls Himself our Father.
343. a small taste of cooler weather in the middle of all this heat.
344. the relatively small amount of nausea i have had to battle this pregnancy. i am seriously feeling so blessed and undeserving for the extra grace i have had this time around.
345. watching my boys play with their sports cards. hearing their cute candid chatter about the players, the positions, the stats, and loving that they have so much fun with it all.
346. in the midst of realizing how weak i am to do what i would like to do, the grace He gives me to not give up but to keep going step by step... day by day.
i am linked up at a holy experience. i would love to hear from you in the comments below!
charis
