I have things being reawakened in me that were dormant for so very long. Things that I had desired to do, or used to do, but had let go of are just starting to poke up their head and say, "Hey, remember me?"
I have 7 kids. I have been married for almost 17 years. I am nearing 40 years old this spring. I am not the same girl I was when I was turning 20. And yet, I kinda am. I still have hopes and dreams that I haven't accomplished, that still feel out of reach, but I have a bit of maturity under my belt to realize that things take time. Often the journey is very different than we thought it would be, but it doesn't mean it isn't the same journey we were always on just because it looks different. Different isn't bad. In fact, it is what brings interest to this life that we are living.
I want to go with what God is doing. I was in a season of letting go for what seemed a long time. Being pregnant and having new babies over and over again for so long felt like I had to let go of so many many things and just focus on what I had right in front of me - the beauty of brand new life and yet all the intense work and energy that takes. I could not handle even thinking about all the things that used to bring me joy and life, let alone do those things.
Then my dad died, and it felt like a part of me died with him. Grieving took time and looked different than those around me and different than I expected it to look. I felt lost. I didn't know who I was anymore. I didn't enjoy the things I used to enjoy. Things that used to bring me joy, just felt like they fell flat. And honestly, I felt very guilty about that - like maybe I was supposed to be processing it all different and maybe just more than I was versus letting it all affect me in ways I didn't understand. I don't know if I have fully pulled out of that, but this is the first time in these almost 6 years that I feel like I might have a tiny bit of vision coming back and desire to do what I used to enjoy doing. I don't mean to make it sound like I was just down in the dumps all the time for the past 6 years, but I would say that I think I have struggled with a mild form of depression that is probably very normal for someone losing a parent. Well, at least that has been my story.
All of this is to say that I have the desire to write again, but I don't know what I want to write about. Since I am pretty sure no one ever saw or read my last post, I think it is safe to just slowly process here before I start really writing for others to read. I want to put one foot in front of the other and let my heart start overflowing again into words, words into ideas, and hopefully write more than ramble like this.
Life is short and goes by so very quickly. I want to choose to take steps forward and not let life happen to me and just survive. I want to thrive in the place that God has put me and the wonderful full, oh so very full, life He has given me that the 20 year old me could have never even imagined. He has been so very very good. All the hard parts, the beautiful parts, the tiring parts, the thrilling parts, the painful parts... they add up to my good. Hopefully I can start sharing some of that again in writing because with 7 kids, well, there just isn't time to sit down one on one with each of you and share from my heart how God has taught me to trust Him and how it is okay when your path doesn't look how you thought it would. He is always faithful and we can learn so much from each of us sharing our story of His activity in our lives.
Charis
